Dan Gets Pregnant

Someone has already noticed and shared the fact that if men could have babies, the birth control industry would be much different. First off, considering there’s a thing called ‘man flu’ and dozens of horror stories to go with it—I can’t imagine being the doctor having to sit down the average man to discuss what women have faced for decades.

“Well Dan, looks like your pregnant”

“How can I be pregnant? We only fooled around the one time and we totally used protection!”

“Have some tissues. Sorry pal, these things happen—condoms break, you picked the wrong week of pills, the UTI shifted.”

“I can’t afford to have a baby! I’m too young to be a parent! I just started an internship at the office I want a career in {etc and so on} I’m not ready!”

“Them’s the brakes, kiddo, abortion is illegal in this state so buckle up you’re in for a long ride you’ll not be getting off until your dead.”

This would be funnier if it wasn’t so common for women; certainly the baby-making gender has always had it rough, I imagine if there was equality or compassion more commonplace amongst humanity we’d have much different laws in place.

A friend of mine once read about ‘birth tickets’ which was a concept of breeding rights, though not like what China had going on for generations. People weren’t looking to make boys to expand empires, society was looking at genetic codes and family history. “Wow, lady, you’ve got yourself quite a history of mental illness, no babies for you! Have you thought about starting a gardening business? The world always benefits from more food and plants, you know…” though to be honest, if that was such a thing, I’d have never been born. Aren’t you excited? Please, do read on…

There’s a rumour going around that this one nameless god created all of life as we know it and even invented sex for the purpose of breeding. I find this notion disturbing in the least of ways and disgusting if I think about it too much; for anyone who does not celebrate the blue-eyed, water-walking, son of a god bastard and his multiple-personality afflicted daddy sex is like it’s all fun and exploration until someone gets preggers. Personally, I’m suspicious of this concept, that sex was created for breeding and that some people think this is awesome—you’re content with the idea that your mommy and daddy sparked your life at the height of daddy’s orgasm? You do realize that some mommies get the shaft without reciprocation, right? That’s one hell of a way to begin life…well at least daddy had fun, isn’t that what’s important?

Women should be no more obligated to nurture the life sparked by exploring their own bodies than men, and since men can’t breed life…I suppose that means I’m pro-abortion. Who is this fucker who wants to grow inside me sans my permission? Are you gonna tell me that your god makes rules I have to follow in a game I don’t play? What rules are you obligated to follow because of what my gods have degreed? I rest my case.