Yesterday I ranted epically in writing and then later had groundbreaking convos with my hubster. There is something to be said about how, when I get high, a variety of my self-censoring gets shut down. “Let me share with you feelings that I have held deep within me, for they have been bubbling up of late” though full disclosure, we’re still finessing our best format. {Note from the future; best format for communication, which has always been rough for me}
When I was in my mid-twenties, it occurred to me that I’d gathered all the social information I could from observations and now I’d have to interact ‘real time’ to apply what I learned. What I learned was garbage, which I discovered when applying my knowledge—I’ve been recovering since then, in waves as I am able. There is something wrong with the way most people talk to each other; the casual dialog of our lives is disruptive and dangerous, not to mention negative and unhealthy. During one of my self-focused dips, perhaps a few months in my twenties {the decade of ‘oh shit’} my ego was busy identifying with ‘there’s nothing wrong with what I say, people are all just idiots and whiny-butts who don’t like the taste of their own medicine.’
Regardless of feeling like ‘everyone talks this way, am I the only one who gets picked on?’ I wanted to change those feelings. My mind rejected a social reality full of people feeling unsatisfied yet being unwilling to make changes—I hunted for people to work with, which has been a defining characteristic of my life experience. Because of environmental limitations, connecting with other people is a rare event for me—though mostly I’m looking back, this has long been the case but I believe very real changes are happening in the world around me.
For this ambitious project {changing dialog of life} I’ve only been able to consistently work with my soul mate {because I believe in that stuff} whom I’ve traveled with through many lifetimes, whom I often reincarnate with to share a life experience. We’ve known each other for eons and he cannot break me, nor can I break him—so when we challenge each other, there are natural protections in place. Even when he’s casually condescending or I’m flippantly antagonistic, we’re still strongly connected and that’s something I was unable to establish with anyone before him. In many ways, we are opening up each other’s world for to experience the best the life has to offer. Once we have a few things sorted around here, we’ll begin to share our bests of life.
Last night {hahaha current reality} my spousums and I have a few conversations as part of an overall discussion about life these days. My ADHD is a new thing for both of us and during the past few months or so, I’ve been releasing many fears that prevented me from openly communicating with him. I adore his weird personality type, as he’s been all but frothing at the mouth for any opportunity to help me embrace my truest self.
So far, we only have vague theories about how I ‘got’ ADHD and that exploration is on our list of luxury projects—fun ambition things that don’t need to be understood at this point in our lives. We agree that I’ve had it most of my life, however, and focus on the various things that need to be addressed first. Some of these things we were able to explore last night, which I’ll do my best to type up;
A big part of my personality, that may or may not be a result of insanely mismanaged ADHD in my early childhood, is social anxiety flavoured by the fear that if I say ‘the wrong thing’ or if I say a thing ‘the wrong way’ I could easily respond with the fight or flight instinct that was often guaranteed to make my situation worse. Here’s a fun fact, several years back a bunch of sexy nerds explored the body instinct response of fight or flight and discovered there’s a third one—freeze—which seems obvious, isn’t that what bunnies do when determining if you’re a threat or not? There’s a variety of animals who play dead and goats will actually faint. We do a lot of reading and listening to learn more about ADHD especially in adults, especially late-in-life diagnosed adults {which is a serious distinction} and there’s always something one of us finds that makes either or both of us go ‘well that explains a lot.’ Simply explaining a thing—action, habit, et cetera—especially when it was most prevalent years ago isn’t always overly satisfying. The situation is gone, the people are gone, the stress is gone—all that remains is what we can learn so that if a similar situation arises, we can handle it better.
I often feel as if my emotional development plateaued between the ages of 9 and 14, I have similar feelings about my social development. My body was constantly experiencing survival instinct to fight or flee or freeze, which impacts everything from nerves to bone cells to muscle tissue. I was often on ‘high alert’ which alternated with ‘dead to the world’ when I’d sleep so intensely as to ‘sleep through anything.’ This cycle, like a hot-burning star that creates bright light and then dies—but I was also like a phoenix, returning to life for to do it again. Decades of doing this in various forms {examples of when my body was so tightly held together, muscle spasms, sleeping ten hours a day, etc} has had mysterious long-term effects that we’re still exploring. Sometimes I simply feel tired of always trying so hard, and sleep—which is why I’m excited that my spousums has the aforementioned weird personality.
This is day 7 of his Mad Scientist experiment, during which he wants me to take these specific nootropics in these specific doses for 30 days. The fascinating thing about nootropics is they’re ‘made’ from amino acids and that means they’re very natural and our bodies love them. Some of them do this fantastic thing called ‘cross the blood/brain barrier’ which means I put the powders between bottom lip and teeth to let them absorb through the sensitive membrane. Once they’re in my blood, they can get into my brain—some of the powders do this but only at a 40% or less ‘tax’ meaning your brain only gets 60% or less of the magic.
According to various things I’m beginning to understand, many of my life struggles stem from poorly developed or defective Executive Functions—which is the category tag for 7 basic fundamental skills. Organization, Time Management, Self-Control, Self-Monitoring, Adaptable Thinking, Planning, and Working Memory—as a fun note, I can feel my working memory improving because of these powders.
Adaptable thinking always gives me a lot to…ahem…think about, lolz, because it’s a skill that is constantly utilized or challenged. A popular phrase comes to mind, “when things don’t go your way…” and my power of hindsight allows me to realize ‘well yes, situations that force me to use adaptable thinking often would force me to realize how weak that skill is/was’ though this does minimal good now, right? Maybe not; as I understand more about these basic skills, come to terms with my weak points and begin to strengthen them, is that not the beginning of proper development I never did as a child?
Speaking of my child-self; since my hubster is as pervy as I am, he often indulges my quirks and for the past few weeks I’ve really been ‘owning up to’ how I feel socially and where some of my stress comes from. We agreed on this concept about ‘taking off my big girl shoes’ when I want to speak bluntly and send my self-censoring compulsion elsewhere for a while. Before I came up with this concept, it never fully occurred to me how very hard I’ve worked to ‘fit into’ a world that most people don’t even enjoy. When I take my big girl shoes off, I feel free to complain about reality in a way that might seem really childish or naive to some people. Zeffy knows that we all get worked up about different things and that the things that get on my nerves are just as intense for me as the things that get on his nerves.
