SexualityThe Self

Secret Blog Shared

The concept of my ‘secret blog’ is that I might prattle on about a certain topic but not share with Societal Fusion because I write every day. Often it’s the most efficient way for me to communicate, so I’ll write notes for Zeffy in my daily printout. However, since we started talking about… well, honestly I’m not sure but I think it started with our discussion of ‘pervy hypnosis’ or the [project overview] he’s been working on for the past few weeks. What I’m getting at is perhaps it would be wise to share what I’ve been writing the past several days, this may take up a few posts.

I tell you what, this world seems to be full of conditional events and side-effects… I had a lot of fun the other night, for the most part. We both agree it’s been too long since we fucked like that, adult life really isn’t what I imagined… though this is probably what most people expect. I’d gotten quite tipsy, which was not my plan—I was only going to drink enough to quiet the chaos in my mind, this is a rough world in which to be a sensitive woman character.

My intent was to settle in for another conversation that challenges me to listen, which is likely a separate phenomenon, because I could feel your sharing mood. Inject somewhere that we aren’t dysfunctional but possibly sometimes seem that way [also, I have no idea if ‘dysfunctional’ is the word I’m looking for] because life is weird more often than it is hard for people like us. I explore Reddit’s ‘are the straights okay?’ group and some of the content is toxic or insane, people post snippets of chats usually but also ads and posts or images of others. It truly is messed up content, but it pulls at my curiosity. The ‘problem with straight people’ as it were, is the issue of when two people are together because they’re convinced they’re supposed to be—in addition to this is the casually abusive commentary of too many social arenas. An example of this is the trend of Christmas family fotos in which women have holiday tape on their mouths and string lights wrapped around their clasped hands. Oh how funny, your wife and daughters are bound like captives? I wonder what happens when some particularly loud person compares religious-conservative male thinking to the various anti-women actions of other countries. “The clitoris is the devil’s doorbell and doesn’t help make babies! Dose the girls with painkillers and surgically remove it!” {Note, does this still happen? Also, where was/is this happening?}

So yeah, it’s true, sometimes listening to people talk for extended periods of time is challenging for me—Zeffy doesn’t always need me to ‘properly converse,’ sometimes I only need to be present because it helps his dialog and thinking. There are a variety of situations in which we can be supportive to someone without speaking, though sometimes I don’t read those situations well. I was there for him and mostly quiet while he addressed his topic of concern. Eventually we’ll invoke the power of my chompers, or ball gag—what can I say? I’ve got damage {read this as ADHD + kinky}.

Let’s get on with this sorting of your issues with feelings of anger and outbursts because we’ve been connecting to something recently that could be an essential part of our life moving forward toward achieving our goals. We had an amazing dialog, most of which I don’t remember, but I was obeying my urges and ignoring your hesitations—therefore we captured part of our conversation on video. The audio, anyhow, as I know you don’t want your uncovered face on camera… I framed the floor in front of you, which means we might have footage of my bottomless pacing.

I return to this writing project after a weekend and have decided to ask the obvious question:

What on this great Earth does most of this have to do with my vulva?

To me, the answer is simple—Zeffy and I are in this life together, therefore his issues are our issues… just like my issues, are our issues. When I was in my early 20s or so, I was ‘diagnosed’ as it were, as co-dependent and this is one of the reasons why I don’t like Western medical perspective which never includes spiritual decisions. Such as; I believe life is a game, very interactive and with lots of different elements like combat or questing. I have experience with various computer and video games, also numerous board-games but they don’t really count because is Jenga really a game? Or is it actually a challenge to NOT be the person who sends the tower clattering to the ground? When I think of games I think of World of Warcraft, Aion, Skyrim, Cuphead or Rift—all of which are played through tech with screens. Therefore, I compare my life experience on this planet with these different video/computer games because of this list of reasons:

Quests are everywhere and sometimes you don’t have that one, but you can still help your friend—because it’s kind, fun, might earn you points or you have nothing better to do and/or you were bribed. Concepts of right and wrong are subjective in games because enemy lines are much more defined; was it right to slaughter and entire village of citizens? Yes totally, they were hostile NPCs and you had a quest. … At this moment, because of my thoughts, I’ll have to breathe through feelings of deep sadness. I live in very much nowhere near Russia, in addition to the fact that conservative-slanted news is very popular around here—all this to say that for the longest time, since I’ve rather powerless anyway, I’ve been able to see Putin as this cliché dictator tyrant. But then he went and lost his fucking mind, started some weird quest, and now countless people are suffering. I still feel powerless to help, which feels sad. If I had the money, I’d send it through …Air B&B or whatever it’s called.

Games aren’t just about quests; it’s important to make allies, which has been tricky but I have Zeffy and our 2 cats and our relentless belief that our life experience doesn’t always include desperation.

Skills and gear are also essential, which is why I’ve been known to enchant items or imbue them with certain qualities. Depending on the parameters of your game, skill points can be time-consuming to acquire or there may be limitations such as having to choose where to place points. The best example of this is as it applies to enchanted gear; you can’t have all the bonuses because weakness is essential to developing a strong, balanced character.

Like many men, Zeffy has a strength that can easily become a weakness if he’s not open and honest about his feelings. He has a powerful drive to protect his kingdom and sometimes it seems as if his stamina is endless, but this is a well-crafted illusion; without the support of his partner, he would crash.

This is where we come full circle to answer the question, “what does this have to do with my vulva?” because the two of us have been together long enough to experience a lot of ups and downs. Some down periods were brutal as we’d take turns looking at each other thinking “why aren’t you supporting me?” without realizing how easy it is to take supportive people for granted because of the way most people are socialized. I was angry and scared because I struggled to articulate my feelings; he was scared and confused because he struggled to understand what I wanted from him.

For whatever reason, potentially a variety of reasons, some people still believe that men and women are meant for each other and that is the only ‘natural’ romantic pairing. Honestly I’m not sure how this thinking still exists, especially after science discovered that men and women literally have different brains [to a certain extent, fact check]. Somehow ‘boys will be boys’ which, just for the record, used to answer questions like “how do you get your clothes so dirty so fast? Did you literally roll around in dirt?” or “what’s the purpose of a burping contest?” became ‘you rub girls’ legs without consent to see if they shaved?’ or ‘your friend keeps a pocket of marbles so to toss them into girls’ cleavage while everyone shouts “slam dunk!”?’ Boys will be boys, 2-4 generations after the males of our species weren’t corrected when ‘oh if he’s picking on her it means he likes her!’ came up, which conditioned girls to interpret abuse as affection.

All of this has been very stressful to my vulva because I’m a sensitive creature; my greatest ambition is to document our species during this great transformation, the next phase of the sexual revolution. Zeffy and I worked through our downs by getting raw and communicating with each other. Often this means he lets me sit on his lap and cry like an overgrown baby; my first experiences with sexuality were damaging, which requires a lot of patience on Zeffy’s part. Now we’re on the path to ‘embracing our ultimate weirdness’ as it were, although a much more fun way to say this is ‘we’re upgrading our kinky factor.’

In a past life {and yes, I have memories, boring mofos} I was a sex priestess, it was a really long time ago… anyhow, my vulva is magical. When my body is relaxed, my juices are flowing and my mind is pure release to the moment—but there’s so many reasons why my body isn’t relaxed, which annoys me. We’re puzzling it out, though, and that’s because sex is a group quest, not a solo treasure hunting adventure. Toodles for now