Another excerpt from my daily writing. This day has had a weird history for me because my mother adored when the 13th fell on a Friday. For many people, this is an unlucky day and perhaps that is linked to the horror movie or perhaps the makers of that story simply fed on something that always existed. It has always seemed to me that this day holds a magic which can be lucky or unlucky. I recently told our friend, who will eventually visit this site to read our words... "that unlucky bit is just for dull and imaginative people, it's actually lucky for witchy people"
I’m here, I’m here… I haven’t been able to decide if it’s ironic or a flavour of sad, that moment after we hugged and you said ‘everything’s going to be okay.’ It’s possible that I resisted the urge to say something like, ‘I’ve been working you up to see that since you got home’ because sometimes I can feel you thinking that everything in our life comes from your efforts in some way. Our life together has often been exciting in all the wrong ways, like that time we had to replace the washing machine or get new tires for the lawnmower and you were so frustrated because ‘we’d gotten ahead a little only to be knocked down’ or whatever that terminology is. I don’t know if you realize this, but that perspective makes no sense and it took root in my head a long time ago. We’re not looking to ‘get ahead’ because, seriously, what does that mean? I very much didn’t intend to snip at you yesterday [or rather, I didn’t intend for it to hurt] but we’ve been growing together for a really long time and periodically I’m derailed by our old way of doing things, which didn’t serve either of us.
Of course you don’t have the same perspective of money that you did for that long time, we talked for years to change it! You still don’t have a helpful perspective of money, though, or you wouldn’t have these struggles and we wouldn’t have conversations like last night. A very long time ago {apparently, lolz} you were told by a spirit reader that you are here to play; yet your success rate is laughable, with the exception of the days of mini-golf and go-karts when we ‘were’ little ones. Similar to my own success rate with my writing, which is a big part of why I’m here for this crazy end-of-the-world trauma. I don’t have answers for why these things occurred and on this rare occasion, my theories are quite limited. Sometimes you simply have to evaluate where you stand, what tools and friends you have… and what actions you have to choose from.
I was super brilliant last night with this:
We are here to learn how to grow, how to kill, how to nurture—or what, instead of how; I was too ashamed to ask if we could activate the video camera [or recording device] even though I’ve learned from experience that sometimes… That thing you said about not making plans, believing that everything will sort itself out; it makes me think about a bad joke I heard from Dad’s Tim, who seemed to collect bad jokes about praying to ‘god’ and getting fucked over.
There’s a man out to sea, clinging to a floating scrap; he prays, ‘god please save me!’ and eventually a boat approaches. He sends the boat away, however, because he’s waiting for his god to save him. A while after the boat leaves, he prays again… eventually another boat arrives, which he also sends away. This boat also leaves and he prays again… however, sometime after the third boat leaves, his body gives up the ghost. Standing before the pearly gates, he looks at his god and shouts, “I prayed to you! How could you let me die?” to which ‘god’ says “what are you talking about? I sent you 3 boats!”
I believe that life has a resonance, a flow, that we can sync up with and be carried to all the places we want to go—but I’ve struggled to stop giving power to concepts that ‘life’ and ‘reality’ are not always the same thing because it is a long list of distracting elements that breed self-doubt. The hours you work; this is the time you’re paid for, which will never be enough to ‘get ahead’ because what are you trying to get ahead of? I can easily theorize that this concept is similar to ‘being on top of things’ but I want to challenge you to imagine how your child self sees and understands these concepts/ adult goals. Theoretically, I have unique insight on this subject because of whatever it means that I haven’t had to mature in the various ways that you and most people are obligated to.
Human culture is a strange structure that’s inspired a wide variety of things to trip on or fight simply to have access to what ought to be basic rights for a physical-based existence. Why don't we all have clean water and good food? What's this whole deal with this movement to ban access to abortions as if we aren't born with the right to choose if we life-carriers want to nurture a life inside of us or not?
