Rumour has it, a long time ago I had a completely functional schedule and I’d actually made it myself. It’s been kind of tragic, which is kind of embarrassing—when Zeffy was little, he had great uncles {they were twins} who each lost the ability to walk at 19 because of a spine disease. He knew them in their late 60s or whatnot, when they’d been in wheelchairs for decades; he still thinks of them periodically, since they chose such drastically different perspectives.
Sometimes it’s hard to live in the moment because ‘now’ isn’t always the experience we want when we’re looking at the ‘bigger picture.’ I’m wrapped up in my current writing camp; kitties snoozing nearby, music playing, our heat monster just kicked on and at this point I think Zeffy is arriving at his place of work. The sun won’t be up for another hour at least and I’ve been restless since shortly before 3am. My ‘now’ as it were, feels… a word like sad or lonely, but not because I’m also feeling like I’ve been sitting for 40 minutes. When I get up, the next phase will begin—like, I’ll have to use the bathroom soon and also need to have second breakfast in the next hour or so.
I have no memory of this totally functional schedule I made for myself, but I do recall the weeks and months during which my life seemed to pass in surges of activity alternating with a mysterious amount of time ‘staring into space’ or sleeping. I finally confessed to Zeffy that I realize I’m prone to sulking, otherwise known as ‘feeling sorry for myself’ and that’s not a path I want to travel. He had these 2 uncles so long ago; the one gave into his sulking, which eventually turned into anger/resentment. {For the record, the other one chose to make the best of his life}
How different would my life be now if I was properly diagnosed in my younger years? I don’t have the answer to that question, of course, and for a variety of reasons that doesn’t matter at all. In fact, on more than one occasion this question was a distracting loop of time-wasting imagining. Probably. Regardless, my life now is where I’m trying to live and sometimes that’s insanely frustrating—like the past 2 weeks, when Zeffy and I both got sick. I spent a day on the couch, unable to eat or move {vomiting on an empty stomach, meh} and felt myself again half way through the next day. Zeffy on the other hand, though he didn’t do any vomiting and I’m super grateful… his sinuses were angry for a solid week. This was last week, therefore some of my ‘now’ includes wondering about the state of his sinuses.
In any event, over the past several months or few years… I’ve been striving to make a schedule for myself and while I was restless last night, I came up with a new idea. The concept is rooted in my affection for gaming: I’ve got some thick paper cut up into 3-4 inch rectangles so I can write down quests. Probably need a few containers {that’s an inside joke} for quests: active, finished, rewards.
The time is almost 6:30am and I’m thinking some more sleep would be nice
