It’s been almost a month now, since I became a nonsmoker, and last week… well, let’s just say that a few things occurred to me because my mind is clearer. At this point I can easily admit that all of the physical need for smokes are gone; as a thought experiment, I imagined giving in and getting a fresh pack of smokes… and every aspect of having that new pack, opening it, pulling out that smoke, and even lighting it up seemed gross. Though I must admit to the fact that I’ve long preferred ‘stale’ smokes to ‘fresh’ ones.
Therefore my current struggle is all mental, such as forcing myself to face the various reasons why I’d indulge {other than boredom/ restlessness/ anxiety kind of things} which include ‘coping’ with certain things in my life that don’t bring me pleasure. This realization triggered a lot of angry feelings most of Friday {today is Sunday, finishing on Tuesday} and I really appreciated Zeffy encouraging me to cry and complain that night. The details of this task are a collaborative effort because I challenged his original task; imagining solutions is a daunting task sometimes, the kind of thing I might avoid if I’m feeling overwhelmed… sometimes the best I can do is identify a problem. We decided that I should totally pick on my problems, but also harness some focus to imagine solutions as often as I can.
One of the biggest problems, oddly enough, has just been resolved {though honestly the ‘oddly enough’ part really should apply to the fact that it was resolved the day of my tragic epiphany}
I’ve been really annoyed at myself in various capacities because we totally have a website and I really enjoy working with it, but I don’t really like camping out at Zeffy’s computer to do it. I can barely use ‘my computer’ at all these past several months, but for printing documents or when I have no other choice for my project. This is sad and annoying because the reasons I don’t want to work on these computers is ridiculous things like: I don’t like having my back to a door or I don’t like your mouse-pad. For some length of time I was able to work on the website from my laptop but then it started rebooting randomly {and without warning} which meant I couldn’t trust it. What if I’m working on a site page and didn’t save in time? We did that once… I write something new and make the decision to always camp out at your computer for edits. This caused a stress that was annoying to deal with because I really liked being able to camp out wherever I wanted, which is important and also leads into my next problem. Though first I’ll note that Zeffy brought home a new laptop, just for me, Friday evening. Our first problem is solved and I’m already feeling more satisfied with my life.
The next problem… because I spend a lot of time sitting or standing and generally not doing enough stretches or movements. I had this really awesome idea for ‘my perfect writing gear’ and I periodically put a lot of energy into focusing on imagining how that would feel. Perhaps this gives me the ability to have feelings about my writing process {or tools?} that are better than what I’ve been possibly struggling with for many years. I haven’t been able to establish a ‘proper’ writing desk, even though I’ve been writing for decades and have been living in the same house for half that time. We have a few desks, gathered over the years—we also have many chairs, or ‘sits’ as I tend to call them because all chairs are not equal in value if you plan to sit it in for hours a week for months. That’s what I’ve done for years; this chair with this desk, this other chair with the same desk relocated, and I even straddled our massage table for a few months. My laptop easily sits on various surfaces, but each ‘campsite’ as it were, eventually had to change. Therefore, the thing that bothers me is that… imma be 40 in June, have I really been unable to obtain reliable sit furniture?
When I don’t waste too much of my time sulking, the counterbalance to this is easy enough; do more stretches and movements… but I didn’t, for all the time I was too busy sulking with my ciggies, and now my body is stiff in a way it’s never been before. My 16 year old self might actually be rather depressed about my situation {didn’t have any anger back then, would have to go back even farther for the version of myself who’d want to kick my ass… age 7?}.
There are other things, of course, but it’s challenging to lock down specifics because of how my writing requires me to sit… and that’s a reoccurring complaint of mine. Today I’m camped out in a new spot {Monday} but it’s our living room couch and I’ve got complaints about that too. Sometimes I’d like to really zero in on what the complaints are, so that we can address them and maybe actually make some changes. The general issue with any sit is either it’s not supportive enough or it’s too hard {this is why fancy dining room chairs always have beautiful cushions}.
When I first started working on this, you were camped out at your computer and apparently you were working on our project outline thing {that veggies and chicken coop file we haven’t printed} and I had feelings that were very ‘yes, omg rescue me from my writing’ when you suggested going outside for a stroll. There will be no such luck today and when I’m feel stiff or achy, I’ll have to rely on myself to care for my body. Though I do want to note that I theorize you offered a stroll outside because you noticed I got up and wiggled around more than once. It’s that chair. Or sitting on anything we’ve got available, for more than… I think it’s 10 minutes but #shrug you know what my sense of time is like. A few times I’ve noted the clock on the laptop and it’s possible I’m complaining about 30-45 minutes.
Regardless, here we are for phase 2 of this assignment;
Something else on this ‘list’ of unsatisfying elements in my life, that I’ve been noticing this past week as my mind is clearer and more observant… honestly, I have feelings about being here without you and I have for a long time. Periodically a snippet of insight will pop up {taking the form of what seems like a random thought} but can return to it’s buried state if not nurtured. I feel some level of angry that you and me supposedly reincarnate as a sacred pair… you put this amazing house together and we could do such awesome things for the purpose of upgrade or healing, but that’s been super challenging because of what we haven’t had access to. I can recall the tragedy of humanity summed up by the produce guy at Bi-Lo many years ago, “because of my job I don’t have the time but if I quit my job, I won’t have the money.”
On some levels, or in various ways, I believed we thought of this on the other side—you’d do the working thing and I’d fill in the gaps created by the time you were unavailable. Typing that sentence was a weird struggle because the concept is full of holes; we assumed too many things, ‘at the beginning’ that created ripple effects we’re still ‘suffering’ from. Life has often been a drag, for both of us, and I’m realizing now how often I ‘ran away’ from both of our feelings. How many elements in your life do you find unsatisfying? We’re both identifying issues and making big lifestyle changes.
Realistically I kind of figure that admitting to being unsatisfied, in whatever capacity or arena, is the first step in making effective changes. Therefore, as yucky as I feel sometimes {such as these mornings when kind of wish there were some stashed smokes I could find and devour} I trust my path and I trust our ambitions.
