January has been rough, as expected, and I wanted to share an update. I got a call from my support group yesterday and when she asked me if I’d smoked at all in the last 7 days I felt obligated to tell her I’ve had a few slips this past week or so. We talked about how I’m not relapsing, and I told her something I recall my mother saying. “It’s better to indulge the little weak moments than allow them to pile up, so that a big weak moment doesn’t knock you on your ass.” I wish she’d said something like that… I also wish I’d gotten the chance to talk to her about fats weren’t actually dangerous and, if food was going to kill her, it would be carbs before anything else. She never was one for processed foods and lots of sugar, but she did succumb to the lie that fats were bad {she felt so naughty eating butter or the whole milk yogurt she loved.}
For the most part, I feel really good because we’ve changed our fooding lifestyle and my body is really liking eggs and bacon/sausage better than oatmeal and cereal. It’s so empowering to not feel starving an hour after I eat. Unfortunately, because of where we live, we don’t have access to the best foods… which means my body feels better for the fat and protein, but my emotions are having a hard time with certain elements such as the living conditions of those bodies before they become food.
I soothe myself with ciggies sometimes, reminding myself that the goal is to be healthier overall. There isn’t anything I can do about chicken and pig prisons, at this time; that when I can do better, I will. In the meantime, it’s okay to slip up because I’m making very big changes and it’s very tragic to think that humanity often has no love for bodies… only money.
For the past few weeks or so, I’ve been feeling so much better physically that I’ve gotten back into dancing. I use my hula-hoop daily, I stretch more often, and even go on long strolls when the weather is nice enough. If I have a few smokes to help remind me to “focus on the things I can change, try not to get depressed over the things I can’t” I’m okay with that. Eventually my body will prefer other things and I will cease to feel like smokes are helpful to balance my perspective.
